Reclaiming the wealth within

When I started my search for a photo to go with my post about rest I typed in the words ‘black woman resting’ and found only a few images.

This is what I’ve noticed about my resistance to rest:

This is the first time that I’ve closed my work calendar for an entire month. I didn’t just awaken one day and decide to take a break from the grind of everyday work. I've been on this journey towards deep rest for quite some time now, even when I wasn’t consciously aware. I believe it started over a year ago when I started attending yoga classes – some were gentle yoga, curvy yoga and yoga Nidra - and my friend and yoga instructor Suki suggested I follow Tracee Stanley's page. I was not one who felt I had the time to consistently practice yoga and meditation, but I knew that I loved the peace and insight I experienced when my body and mind had time to be still, so I was curious. About a year after I purchased her book, I manifested a trip to her weekend workshop at the wellness center Kripalu (I’ll write a separate post on this later) and it was the first time that I’ve ever experienced the awakening of deep rest. It was a feeling that I will never forget, and although it’s difficult to explain with words, it felt as if I was falling into a deep cave where my ancestors were waiting to catch me. It shook me at first and with Tracee’s help I was able to see the awakening that was happening for me. I continue to read her book Radiant Rest and listen to her meditations often when I’m struggling to get to sleep.

 I had another spiritual awakening when I visited the Colored Girls Museum in Philadelphia. One room honoring the working women – the maid, housekeeper laundress, washerwoman - had artifacts and photos of ironing boards and wash basins, with quotes about how our grandmothers and their grandmothers were constantly working for others. I was transported back in time to the days I visited my grandmother and helped her wash clothes in the basin. The beautiful installation forced me to stop “sit a spell” to both honor their work and bring to my awareness what a radical act it is for a black woman to stop working and just rest.

It made me realize how deeply ingrained this grind and work to exhaustion mentality is in my mind, body and DNA. I started to follow Octavia Raheem and purchased the book Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Hersey but was still not convinced that I would be able to take an extensive amount of time away from my “work”, so I took baby steps. It took an elevated blood pressure, eye tics from stress and blood shot eyes from constantly looking at the computer screen, for me to notice that I was more dedicated to my clients’ success than my own health. I knew that for me to live, it was time for me to prioritize rest and incorporate this notion into everything that I do. It was time for me to take a step back away from the constant riggers and deadlines of the work that I do here.

 I started by reducing my workday by one hour. Since I’ve never been a morning person, I gave myself an extra hour in the morning to center myself and awaken rested and at peace before I opened my email and my calendar. It felt good to choose when I wanted to start my day.

 The next move I made was to shorten my work week. My weekend started on Thursday and Friday was for any personal appointments, community advocacy work or anything I wanted to do, and my day started when I wanted.

 Last year was the first time I announced to my clients that my calendar would be closed for two weeks – it felt so good that I did it twice!

 This year, I decided to take an entire month to rest.  I felt sort of prepared for the pushback from clients and from those who always expect me to be available for them. I’m aware that money triggers stress and often trauma for many of us, and most of what I do centers around money and tax obligations. I was expecting that I would still need to take some days to attend to a few client-perceived emergencies, but what I wasn't prepared for was my own inner battle with resting.

I did all the things; set out the newsletter and posted on social media that I would be away for a month, then I cleared my work calendar and I felt accomplished and proud of myself. Yet I then proceeded to do what my mind was so used to doing and filled the empty calendar slots with personal appointments and errands and other people's expectations. And just a few days before the beginning of my month-long self-proclaimed rest, I started feeling sick. I never developed a fever but the sinus pressure, rib shaking cough and exhaustion set in quickly. It was if my ancestors saw me filling up this space with a ton of commitments that I had promised to rest and took over!  I was exhausted, I could not do anything but sip soup and lay on the couch for days. Initially I felt frustrated because I promised people that I would be places and even promised a few clients that I would keep appointments – I put their needs above mine once again.

Aside from the frustration I must admit I felt a bit angry. My birthday was the following week, and I knew that I had to also cancel or reschedule those plans.  What I realized in that moment was that I was resisting a clear opportunity to rest. I didn’t have to justify or explain rest when I was sick, and because my body resisted rest, this was the only way I would be forced into it. I didn't really commit to resting my body and my mind, but I was faced with no other thing to do but stay in the bed, or on the couch, in my pajamas, close in my eyes, take care of myself, ask neighbors for help and use the herbs that have been sitting in my cupboard to make healing teas. Once I realized I was deep into the lesson, I had to laugh at how I was forced to stay away from my computer and keep my commitment to myself to rest. It’s the Taurus moon in me that is both so hardheaded and easily leans into rest when I choose to.

So, I'm constantly unlearning and learning about how deep this patriarchic grind mentality sits within me and within the work that I do. It's given me time to envision just how I want to show up for myself and others. I love working with people who see my worth, but they won’t see it until I do. I’m thankful that there is a movement in certain states to encourage sabbaticals for BIPOC leadership. Unfortunately, my state is not one of them, but we can’t expect others to see our worth if we don’t.

My time is my wealth. Your time is your wealth.

 How can you start today to join the movement? And when you do.. keep it real with yourself…are you really resting?